Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
