the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
