I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Randomize
