Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
