I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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