I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
