Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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