you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
