The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
