Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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