The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
