Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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