I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
