His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
