I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just want to make out with him forever
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
