she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
