in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
