I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
