my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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