my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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