Define "chronic" masturbator.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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