I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
