so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
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