My liver just broke up with me...
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
