Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
