there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
