That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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