How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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