your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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