I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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