There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
