Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
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