I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
