just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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