Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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