His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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