So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
