True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
