you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
