I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
