were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
