If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
