Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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