Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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