I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
