is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
