I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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