I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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