Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
