dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
