I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
