I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
